SHOCK recaps the 11th round of TV’s SCREAM QUEENS.
It’s Chanel’s second favorite holiday: Black Friday. She likes buying cheap trinkets as gifts for her friends, and bribing stock boys to let her into stores a half hour before they open so that the deal hunters lined up outside become enraged when she buys all the doorbusters. The dean isn’t happy that the Chanels are leaving Kappa house to go shopping. But while they do that, Wes, Grace, and Pete go down to the police station to report Gigi’s head turning up on their table, but the detective can’t be bothered. The entire police force, including the chief of police, has been fired due to gross incompetence.
At the mall, the Chanels are oblivious to the fact that they are literally the last people there. The lights go out and they discover all the doors are locked from the outside. The Red Devil is there, stalking them. The girls run and see a loading gate left just a little bit open. The girls slide through it, all but Chanel. She decides as Kappa president, it is her job to stand up to the Devil. So she does, taunting him. The Devil doesn’t care for this and shoots her in the shoulder with a crossbow. Chanel doesn’t stop her taunts, even as she tries desperately to crawl away, and the Devil reloads for another shot. Denise comes running in, announcing that she is the new chief of police and yammers on about nothing while the Devil shoots one of her officers dead and makes his escape.
This incompetence idea is, well, utterly incompetent. In what scenario, on what planet, is an entire police force fired? The police unions are way too strong for that to happen. And in what galaxy is Denise more competent than anyone else on that force? The whole thing is so beyond stupid it makes my teeth hurt. In a season full of stupidity, this one really bothered me.
Anyway, the girls all regroup at the Kappa House, and Chanel thinks it is clear that the dean is the Red Devil and decides they need to kill her. Zayday is a strong holdout, but Grace is on Chanel’s side. She gives another one of her ridiculous sisterhood speeches and the two girls decide they need to poison the dean.
Grace and Chanel visit the dean at her home and the girls concoct a story, asking the dean to teach them how to be more effective feminists. It is nonsense, but the dean bites and starts talking about her internship at Ms. magazine and other assorted nonsense. They toast over mason jars of homemade apple cider (the dean’s favorite drink) that they dosed with a whole bottle of puffer fish poison. Despite it being enough to kill three men, the poison cider doesn’t slow down the dean.
Chad calls a meeting of the Dicky Dollars, but he is the only one still alive. Pete is there because this meeting is the reading of Boone’s will, and he left everything to Pete. Chad thinks they were secret lovers, and Pete admits the truth: Boone was his source in the Greek system. Pete had tried to pledge the Dollars the year before, with the same nonsense of brotherhood that Grace has about her own sorority, but he was roundly refused. Chad invites Pete to join now, because “any secret friend of Boone’s is a friend of mine.” Pete declines, which according to the rules means that he and Chad must duel to the death. Pete leaves, which Chad tells him is a forfeit of his life. “You will get murdered to death!” he yells after him.
Grace goes to Pete and rants about how her first attempt at killing the dean failed. She promises she is killing to stop more killing, but he doesn’t want her to do it – he doesn’t believe she is a killer. He has to “tell her something:” Chad’s invite to join the Dollars. But he doesn’t need that; all he needs is his work and Grace. He says he loves her and wants to have sex with her, but she isn’t in the right headspace. He agrees she is worth the wait. Apparently Grace is a virgin.
Chanel holds another Kappa meeting, freaking out that the dean didn’t die and looking for a Plan B. Grace decides she no longer thinks it is a good idea to kill the dean, which angers Chanel and she decides to kick Grace out of Kappa. Grace expects Zayday to come with her, but she doesn’t. Now she thinks that killing the dean is a good idea.
Grace storms out and goes home, where she finds Wes… with Pete. They are going over the info they were able to find on Gigi. It turns out that Gigi’s real name was Jess Meyer. Her sister, Amy, was the girl who took the bathtub babies, but a few months later, she killed herself. Gigi took over care of the kids, but had a nervous breakdown and they all went to the institution. She raised the kids to be killers in order to get revenge. Pete leaves, and Grace asks her dad for sex advice. It turns into a damned after school special. Pete goes back to his dorm and is packing when he gets a call. He tells the unidentified caller that he is leaving campus and he feels guilty and doesn’t want to be part of this. He warns the person never to call again.
Meanwhile, the Chanels and Zayday take the dean to the cryo-sauna (basically a sauna that freezes you). The dean goes first and steps into the chamber, which is cranked down to -220 degrees. The girls watch the door to make sure staff doesn’t come in, and they leave the dean in the chamber for nearly a half-hour. When they open it back up, they are shocked to find the dean – frozen and covered in icicles – alive and feeling great.
Chanel is beside herself. She has failed twice to kill the dean. After letting the minions give their asinine theories as to how the dean survived, Chanel has a new plan. She gives her minions their Christmas presents, smartphones that light up on the edge. When she calls they will get a red notification light. This means they are to meet Chanel and the dean at the pool, where they will drown the dean. Unfortunately, when Chanel sends out her notification, her minions are arguing with a retail clerk and totally miss the call. Chanel is alone when the dean comes to the pool, and she has to stumble through a terrible excuse about holding a lecture at the pool about feminism and bondage (to explain away the chains she brought) then go for a swim. The dean doesn’t buy this stupidity and leaves.
Grace goes back to Pete’s room and finds him anxious and out of breath. She doesn’t say anything because she is ready to have sex with him now. Pete pulls away uncomfortably, and Grace insists this is what she wants. “I don’t want your first time to be with a murderer,” he admits feebly.
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